i was wondering when it would happen. that moment when i’d become one of those women. the ones who are completely consumed with all things baby. i’m not sure if i have the normal case of “baby brain”, not to be confused with “pregnancy brain” which is basically like losing 50 IQ points, but the excitement has most definitely set in. what will he look like? when will he get here? what will his personality be like? will he be a chunk-a-munk or long and thin?
i should also mention that my nervousness about birth has become this kind of a dull, consistent, terror and i have only myself to blame. i sat and watched like, 7 birthing videos (i think i got the idea of “labor day” all wrong). and not the cool, softly-lit and edited ones they feature on thebump.com, i went the youtube route. unedited, gritty, in-your-vagina videos that gave me nightmares. yea, it was a rough night…
honestly, i have a deep appreciation for the beauty of birth, which is why i want to do it as naturally as possible. and there’s even a piece of me that thinks it could be a wonderfully divine experience. but…there’s this other part…and she’s f*cking nervous.
so, in an effort to remain in control of my thoughts and only focus on the exciting stuff – i’ve given myself a couple questions i’m allowed to obsess over. and while i’m grateful to have a severe awareness of what’s to come, in the way of labor + delivery, i think it might be healthier to focus on what comes after…our beautiful baby boy.
what will he look like? this one is probably the most exciting. and since i’ll know as soon as he’s born, i feel good about the immediate satisfaction. but ahhhhh! i just want to see him already! at one point in my pregnancy i was having all these crazy dreams about the baby but i couldn’t see him. i’d lose him, he’d be in danger, he’d show up as the kid version of my brother (yea, i know, weird and should be revisited…in therapy), but i’d never see or hold him. and then one night, during a time we were trying to decide on names, i had a dream where i was holding him. just me and him, and while i still couldn’t see exactly what he looked like, there he was. and i called him by name. (the name we ended up choosing 😉 )
i’m so, so hoping he looks like my husband, Akeem, did when he was little. wasn’t he just the cutest?
when will he arrive? from the beginning i’ve had the feeling he’ll be late. i felt so confidentially about it, that when trying to figure out the time my mom will fly to Los Angeles to be with us, i said to come a week after my due date. i even had a session with a wonderful lightworker and she also mentioned he may spend some extra time inside (i realize i just made my womb sound like prison, i’m fine with it). but lately, it feels like it could happen anytime. i’m in full-on nesting phase and i can feel him getting closer.
i’m hoping for a certain date, but i know i have zero control over that. so, for now, the allotted obsession is broken up into subsidiary questions like, “will it be go-time in the middle of the night? i hope i’m wearing something i’m okay with ruining.” “will it be on the date i imagined and confirm that we have a telepathic connection?” “will he be a virgo or a libra?” “will my husband be away, stuck in endless traffic, and i have to call a friend to take me to the hospital? and i’ll jokingly teach my son to refer to the friend as “dad” and drive my husband insane?” okay, i’d never do that. but to avoid any possibility – so much trust here – we’ve pretty much decided not to leave each other’s side after a certain date.
see what i’ve done here? instead of the tone being “when will i have to push this giant being out of my body?” it’s (insert excited voice) “when will i get to meet him?!” it’s all about perspective.
what will he be like? as in, will he be super chill and calm? fussy and finicky? will he show early signs of my husbands curiosity and wonder? will he be more thoughtful and reserved? whatever he’s like, i’m sure he’ll be my greatest teacher yet. whether his personality can be traced to either of us, or he’s some weirdo that’s nothing like us, i can’t wait to get to know him. i really hope i’ll be good at listening to who he’s telling me is, instead of imposing my own ideas of who i think he should be. i hope even if he’s serious, he’ll leave room for the magic. or if he’s more carefree, he’ll have a strong sense of compassion for others.
this one will take more time, i’m sure. but it’s probably the one i’m most looking forward to (and most curious about). i’ll get to learn this beautiful little being over and over as he grows and evolves. and the greatest honor and responsibility of all, i’ll have a little something to do with it. that’s pretty incredible.
did you get baby brain? when did it set in? did you obsess over everything or were you focused on one or two things? did you watch a birth video and how did it make you feel? tell me!